Thrown Off Course

To everyone who has been reading my blog, both new and old readers- thank you for reading, and I apologise for the silence this past week. I feel a bit off course at the moment. I am coming up on 17 nights of insomnia (by which I mean still being awake past 2 or 3 am, and only getting an hour or two of sleep on the worst nights) and it is taking a toll. Those who read my blog will know I have suffered from insomnia for my entire life but it has never been this bad before. I am frustrated and a little more exhausted each day. Someone commented "Yeah but you're on leave now- does it matter that you aren't getting much sleep? Can't you just nap?" This wasn't really helpful. There are children in the house who are early risers and need to be taken to school, appointments to be kept, children to be picked up from school, etc, and the knowledge that if I give in to an afternoon nap (why, why oh why is it so much easier for me to sleep during the day???) I will make it harder for myself to sleep come night time. 

I am finding it a bit of a struggle at the moment. Each night I think I will surely sleep as I am so exhausted...but it won't happen. 

To make things harder, my Grandpa Jeffrey passed away early this morning after spending the last three days in a coma, and it has hit me fairly hard. I have now lost both my grandfathers and it makes me sad that neither of them will be around to become a great-grandfather. I have many fond memories of Grandpa Jeffrey to hold onto and am planning on writing about him soon. I don't think I can say much more about it all yet. It's still too raw.

I planned to just write a sentence or two to explain my silence but once I started to type, it just came out. Writing has always been therapeutic for me and I do enjoy my little blog and hate neglecting it. I am hanging in there. Sleep will come...and then disappear for a while once my little man arrives, but that is a journey I am looking forwards to.

Stay well, everyone, and I will return with happier entries soon. And hopefully I will feel as relaxed and rested as Faye clearly does. 

 

The Insomniac, Part 2

I wrote a post in 2011 about my struggle with insomnia. It's been an ongoing battle for my entire life. Last year, after going through some very challenging times in my life, my doctor suggested I try sleeping tablets so that I could at least make it to work- I was so stressed and upset that I was running on about 1 or 2 hours sleep- if that- a night, losing weight, and just not feeling good. I reluctantly agreed, after always saying I didn't want to take that path...and was instantly converted. I was only taking the tablets a couple of nights a week, generally before a work day, and knowing that I was going to be able to go to bed and sleep straight through for the entire night until my alarm went off was a wonderful thing. The only side effect I suffered was that the fact that my dreams tended to centre around pirates on these nights. Strange.

Fast forward to falling pregnant, and of course I had to stop taking the tablets. It was a non-decision- I simply wasn't going to take anything that might harm my baby. I didn't suffer any withdrawal symptoms, but my insomnia returned, of course. Coupled with that well-known phenomena, pregnancy insomnia. Some nights are fine...others I will still be wide awake at 3am.

I wrote before about insomnia being lonely. The loneliness of being the only one awake in the house, and feeling like you are the only one awake in the world. Things are a little different this time around, however. I have company.

My little boy seems to be just as much as a night owl as I am (please, please don't let this continue after he is born!) and I find it comforting to feel him kick, wriggle and dance when I am lying on the couch reading after being unable to fall asleep in bed. I will often talk to him or stroke the bits of him that sometimes protrude from my bump. I love it when he answers by prodding my hand or wriggling even more. It makes a difference to me knowing that someone is awake with me and keeping me company. I can't wait to hold him in my arms. I just hope he doesn't continue his nightly playtimes after he arrives!

4am Friendship

You know you have a great best friend when it's 4am and you are lying in bed giggling as you text Friends quotes to each other.

MM, henceforth known by her actual name, Jude, (MM was making her think of the Mere Male column from New Idea magazine!) and I did just that last night (this morning?). I was lying in bed unable to sleep at 3am due to my dratted insomnia and checked Facebook on my phone, as you do. To my surprise, Jude had just updated her status so I knew she was up, probably unable to sleep herself, and sent her a text message. Soon enough my phone buzzed back and we spent a merry hour making each other laugh, albeit quietly, throwing in suitable Friends quotes (an integral part of our friendship is our ability to find a Friends quote for any and all occasions, and our love of the show was one of the first things we bonded over, all those years ago at uni) and keeping each other company during the time of night that, when you are suffering from insomnia, can be very lonely and isolating. When I am wide awake and it's so late, I can sometimes feel like I am the only person in the world and knowing that someone else is awake pushes the darkness back a little. I'm not saying we will be doing this every night, but knowing that even at 4am we were keeping each other company and making each other laugh shows me once again how good a friend I have in dear Jude.

The Insomniac

If I had a magic wand (apparently mine would be eleven inches, dragon heartstring and cedar) and had one wish, I would remove my insomnia.

It's been there as long as I can remember. As a child, Mum and Dad had terrible trouble getting me to sleep. I can remember Mum making a star chart- if I stayed in bed once I was put there I would get a star. Poor Mum and Dad...I can vividly remember being about six or seven and the only one awake in the house, and feeling so alone that I would go and stand next to their bed and stare at them. On numerous occasions. Yeah, and that isn't creepy at all.

Yes, and they would sometimes wake up and get an awful fright to see a small figure in a nightie standing by the bed staring at them. Sorry Mum and Dad...I was just lonely and couldn't sleep. No wonder they made the star chart! 

Fast forward twenty or so years and I am still a troubled sleeper. There is nothing worse than being absolutely exhausted, crawling into bed, having a relaxing read, turning off the light- and instantly having your brain switch on and start merrily running in circles. I never know when it will hit. It always takes me quite a while to get to sleep (I used to dread school camps and was never overly keen on sleepovers, as I would inevitably be the last one left awake) but some nights are far, far worse than others. It's very stressful knowing that I have to be up early and not being able to simply switch off my brain and drift off. Instead I feel restless and tense and worried and...argh. Having restless legs syndrome does not help matters either. I've tried herbal tea, warm milk (ugh), hot baths, cool showers, herbal sleep aids (the nightmares valerian seem to bring me aren't worth it), lavender oil, deep breathing, yoga, meditation, etc etc etc etc...What I haven't tried are sleeping tablets, and nor will I. I just don't want to go there as I don't want to become addicted or reliant on them.

So on it goes, the constant battle...A cognitive behaviour therapist tried to help me once and a piece of advice I took away and put into practice is that if I am still tossing and turning after 20 minutes, I get up, out of bed, leave the room and read for 10 minutes in the lounge room, then try again. Last night was a bad night...still awake at 3am and up for work at 6.30am. I feel groggy and distant today and am hoping for a much better night tonight.

Ah, to be a dog or cat and able to slip blissfully into a near-coma within seconds...