Glimpsing the Past

I had put a bit of thought into what I wanted to post on the last day of 2011. I was going to 'look back' at some of the things that happened in my life this year. Then, while looking through my craft cupboard this afternoon (yep, a rockin' New Years Eve afternoon spent sewing) I found the box of my old diaries. Remember paper diaries? It's what people wrote in before blogging. I used to be quite the diary-writer and have ramblings dating back to 1992, when I was seven years old. I had a look through them this afternoon- some stuff is hilarious to read now, a lot is too personal to share, some is sad, and most is melodramatic! I decided that instead of looking back over the year, I'd go back a little further and share a few snippets of my past musings with you. Enjoy...and keep in mind that I never thought anyone else would read this stuff, so I hope you all feel honoured!

2006: (Aged 22- living with my sister Lisa and about to start Honours in Performing Arts) "Lisa's crabby because we dyed her hair and it's gone kind of orange-y (was supposed to be blonde). Oh dear. I had some of the girls over last night- Katie, Georgie and Libby. I cooked dinner for everyone and we watched a sh** chick flick. It was really good to see them all. I'll be seeing heaps of Katie this year of course, seeing as we're both doing Honours, but Libby and possibly Georgie are off to Korea for 4 months to teach Drama to Korean schoolchildren. We all got offered the job- they need 10 people- but I don't want to go to Korea for four months. Was thinking of heading out to the RSPCA this arvo to walk some woofers and groom the pusskins. Hmm."

2002: (Aged 18- studying year 12 and living in a flat.) "I've got another sodding exam on Friday- 20th Century History. But I'm in denial. I'm lying fully dressed on my bed with a pounding headache, frantically eating an entire packet of Kool Fruits and staring worriedly at my work folder. The obvious solution would be to DO some STUDY but I keep putting it off...argh!" [Obviously this method of revision works, as I got one of the top marks in the school for that subject...if only more people knew!]

2000: (Aged 16- living in a small country town with my family and in Grade 10.) "You know what? Today was a good day. A lot of people were very tired after the Leaver's Dinner or, in the case of A, extremely grouchy, but I didn't feel in the least bit tired. I felt alive and happy. In Maths I turned to A and said, "You want to hear something wonderful? I'm actually happy!" She responded with a pissed off "Good for you." Ouch. But doesn't it make a nice change, Diary, to hear me say that I'm happy?"

1995: (Aged 10- same small country town) "We had to come into the city so Lisa could get braces put on. I'm in the waiting room of the orthodontist [nice job with the spelling, 10 year old me!] I am incredibly bored. I finished my Baby Sitters Club book and had nothing to do but watch crap soap operas on the TV. I couldn't change the channel because a boy appeared to be watching the crap. I was waiting for 4.30 because this game show, My Generation, is on then, but because it's Friday something else is on! Wouldn't you know it. I think the people who work at WIN TV are really ridiculous. Dad just told me Lisa is finished and he just has to go pay, so I guess once he parts with all his money for the braces we can go." [Some might say 'a precocious writer'. Others might say 'opinionated!']

1991: (Aged 7- my first ever diary entry. I'm going to type the words exactly as I spelt them at the time.) "Dear Dairy, Hi I'm your new writer. On Saturday we flew on an airiplain to meet Mummy's new family. Her real dad that she found. First we flew on an airiplain to Melbourne. On the plan Lisa and I got speicle childrens meals, you got to have a wagon wheel on the plate it was yummy. Then we flew to Sidney. Jeffrey who is mummy's new real dad picked us up and took us to Filisaties. She is my Mummy's new sister and is her real sister. I have new cusons and I love them allready."

I hope you enjoyed reading some of my old diary entries. It's been interesting reading back over them and seeing how much things have changed. I'm very lucky to still have them to look back on.

Happy New Year, everyone, and see you in 2012. I'm loving blogging and am grateful for all the kind words from friends who have been reading along in my own little corner of the Internet. To finish, I'd like to share a photo of one of my favourite experiences in 2011...

Be good, be careful, and see you next year!
Love Bebb xx

The Insomniac

If I had a magic wand (apparently mine would be eleven inches, dragon heartstring and cedar) and had one wish, I would remove my insomnia.

It's been there as long as I can remember. As a child, Mum and Dad had terrible trouble getting me to sleep. I can remember Mum making a star chart- if I stayed in bed once I was put there I would get a star. Poor Mum and Dad...I can vividly remember being about six or seven and the only one awake in the house, and feeling so alone that I would go and stand next to their bed and stare at them. On numerous occasions. Yeah, and that isn't creepy at all.

Yes, and they would sometimes wake up and get an awful fright to see a small figure in a nightie standing by the bed staring at them. Sorry Mum and Dad...I was just lonely and couldn't sleep. No wonder they made the star chart! 

Fast forward twenty or so years and I am still a troubled sleeper. There is nothing worse than being absolutely exhausted, crawling into bed, having a relaxing read, turning off the light- and instantly having your brain switch on and start merrily running in circles. I never know when it will hit. It always takes me quite a while to get to sleep (I used to dread school camps and was never overly keen on sleepovers, as I would inevitably be the last one left awake) but some nights are far, far worse than others. It's very stressful knowing that I have to be up early and not being able to simply switch off my brain and drift off. Instead I feel restless and tense and worried and...argh. Having restless legs syndrome does not help matters either. I've tried herbal tea, warm milk (ugh), hot baths, cool showers, herbal sleep aids (the nightmares valerian seem to bring me aren't worth it), lavender oil, deep breathing, yoga, meditation, etc etc etc etc...What I haven't tried are sleeping tablets, and nor will I. I just don't want to go there as I don't want to become addicted or reliant on them.

So on it goes, the constant battle...A cognitive behaviour therapist tried to help me once and a piece of advice I took away and put into practice is that if I am still tossing and turning after 20 minutes, I get up, out of bed, leave the room and read for 10 minutes in the lounge room, then try again. Last night was a bad night...still awake at 3am and up for work at 6.30am. I feel groggy and distant today and am hoping for a much better night tonight.

Ah, to be a dog or cat and able to slip blissfully into a near-coma within seconds...